Waaaaaaay, I did no homework today, spend two hours at creative writing, talked on the phone and had some cake. I also wrote this little epiphany in the last half of Biology. Meh, at least it's not like I have my pre's in three days. Phew.
I have this hang-up. A mental defect. I cannot stick to an argument or let go, especially when it's with people. If someone who was once my friend now isn't or if we just aren't talking, a bowling bowl of sometimes sourceless guilt and regret clogs my stomach until I, often against what I truly feel or believe in, apologize. Or take words back. Or just up-the-forced-ante to resurrect (for no concrete reason) a naturally dying relationship.
Like a kid who's misbehaving on the run up to Christmas, I feel like this weight won't shift, that an odd, sour and pointless regret will continue to hang over me like Santa's imagined glare.
That is, until now. Maybe the crux of it is the question..what could have been?
But..WHAT could have been? It's fair to say that, having learnt the enormously dramatic ripple effect of chance encounters, I've developed this malignant desire to not to miss out on possible experiences open to me, to embrace as much as I can and from that, grow Grow GROW. But even today, I came back to That Question.
It's the same way that the media portrays all teenagers are all brainless Skins renegades because, letsfaceit, that's simply more FUN. We crave sensationalism or being made to feel something. There aren't many Irish people I know who don't love complaining or moaning about something. (hello electionsss)
But when I look into it, I know that What Could Have Been was..not much. That's reality, but the unknown can both question and intrigue, and that dark side of the moon IS something that is endlessly fascinating to me.
I should blog about that bloody deFECKt aswell..
Therefore, it causes pointless regrets that are without any basis. Some people talk and say nothing, do nothing, say a big No to life beyond pretence. The fact that the people in my life I look up to or just plain love genuinely like me is a source of completely contrastingly explosive happiness, and I metaphorically slapped myself in the cerebellum today when TWICE, that goddamn guilt ball approached me, much like with Jésus in The Big Lebowski.
Why the scroobius pip was I worrying when I wasn't happy/was mostly just bored when with them? As if 40,000 acquaintance-relationships would render be a fraction of the happy I am now, even amid all this exam chaos. Settling for the sake of it isn't, or shouldn't be, an option. As isn't being stuck in a pointless job or course, I don't care what they say. Maybe that's naiive, actually I'm sure it is, but there's no money anywhere anyway so you might as well have a bittuv integral direction in your life and live on happiness and a prostituting job on the side. Or should that be on the corner?
Perhaps this is an An Education moment for me, but the idea of wasting your short and valuable time on things or experiences unprovokingly mediocre while beautiful things and people roam your peripheral vision seems offensively futile. It has taken me SO long to learn how to think simply, it's this really unbelievable thing I've learnt about myself.
I'll wrap this up before heading to Chino for a curry chip butty & some of their brain-kissing coffee with an insanely relevant quote about the 60s from an insanely relevant 70s film, Cemetery Junction:
"What if the world is having another party and we're missing it cause we're stuck here?".